a la spaceballs

I could sit and watch my stomach move around for hours. This kid is always going, kicking around and punching in there. As gross as my stomach looks right now (the hair, wow, the hair, thanks extra hormones), I think it could be worth a short video clip. It's freakishly fascinating. Sometimes I have a half expectation that it will be like the diner scene in spaceballs. No aliens yet. He is definitely starting to run out of room in me belly. Sorry daughters for not realizing what nice calm inhabitants you were!

I need to practice!

I will get the monstrous must be done list done, completely crossed off before this baby pops.

I will institute real naptime every afternoon.

I will use that time to hone my skills and get a semblance of talent out of my hands again. Then when I have beautiful oil paintings to be proud of, I may stop being so infinitely jealous of the GORGEOUS work I see that others have been up to while I play house. sigh.

Project Day becomes Hot, Draining Tuesday

1. Dear husband, you best come home with some traps and D-con for any future possible invasions. And it's all your fault. I know it's easier to call me a crappy cleaner, but that pile of rubble has been their home. It has also meant I can't access the garden hose for TWO summers. I moved the pile o shite so I could hack down the overgrowth. And I found I was right - about the spiders, about a lot of the creepy crawlies you didn't want to believe were there. Being right doesn't feel good, it feels frustrating. But out of compassion for your pregnant wife's blood pressure, would you please man up dear and do what I've asked. If I have to actually HIRE someone to clean up your mess, it's coming out of the imaginary atv/gun/big boy toys fund.

You must admit as far as wives go; you've got it pretty sweet. Maybe that is where we've gone wrong. Do I need to be a bitch to you? Will that motivate you?

2. Dear __________, and oh well I guess this could also apply to ___________, please stop the martyr theme. You are not being persecuted and it is not my duty to reintegrate you into societal circles. Grow up.

There, I release you Stress. Go away and do not come back.

Decomposition of . . . ???

I've been clearing out the basement.

Tonight, I prepared to vacuum out under the stairs where we store the Christmas decorations. I move the tree box and EWWWW!!! there's a . . and oh nooo there's another mishaped something! I think they might have been something living at one time. One looks like a mouse missing its head, if it died months ago, and said head was gnawed off. Which leads to the conclusion that something larger is lurking around. It is time to leave the basement.

This is why the man should be home. So I can run and scream like the girl I am. I am so grossed out that I don't know about sleeping tonight. I was already paranoid that the remaining spiders were going to come and get me in a fury of vengeance for vacuuming up their webs.

HA! HA-HA-HAH!

This letter should be otherwise entitled common sense. Thanks to those of you who put it out there for the stealing. :)

Dear Non-Pregnant Person,

I hope you find these guidelines helpful in your interactions with pregnant women as failing to follow them may result in serious physical harm. If you are thinking "Surely she doesn't mean me!" then you should probably read this twice.

1) The appropriate response to a couple telling you they are having a baby is "Congratulations!" with enthusiasm. Any other response makes you an ass.

2) Through the wonders of science, we now know that babies are made ONLY by the mother and father. Unless the baby is in your uterus or you are the man that helped put it there, you may not ever use the phrases "my baby" our "our baby".

3) On the same note, unless you made the baby as defined in 2, the pregnancy, birth and raising of the child are not about you. You do not have input. No one wants to hear your opinion unless they ask for it. The same goes for the naming of the baby.

4) The body of a pregnant woman should be treated the same as any other body. You would not randomly touch someone's stomach if they were not pregnant, nor would you inquire into the condition of their uterus, cervix or how they plan to use their breasts. Pregnancy does not remove all traces of privacy from a woman.

5) Likewise, no woman wants to hear comments on her weight - ever. A pregnant woman does not find it flattering that you think she is about is pop, must be having twins, looks swollen or has gained weight in her face. Telling her she looks too small only makes her worry that she is somehow starving her baby. Making such comments invite her to critique your physical appearance and you may not act offended. The only acceptable comment on appearance is "You look fabulous!"

6) There is a reason that tickets to L&D are not yet sold on Ticketmaster. Childbirth is actually not a public event. It may sound crazy, but some women really do not relish the idea of their mother, mother-in-law or a host of other family members seeing their bare butt and genitals. Also, some people simply feel like the birth of their child is a private and emotional moment to be shared only by the parents. Like everything else in life, unless you receive an invitation, you are NOT invited. This includes doctor appointments, ultrasounds, labor, delivery, the hospital and the parents home. You do not decide if you will be there for the birth or if you will move in with the new parents to "help out". If your assistance is desired, rest assured that you will be asked for it.

7) If you are asked to help after the birth, this means you should clean up the house, help with cooking meals and generally stay out of the way. Holding the baby more than the parents, interfering with breastfeeding and sleeping schedules and making a woman who is still leaking fluid from multiple locations lift a finger in housework is not helping.

8) The only people entitled to time with the baby are the parents. Whether they choose to have you at the hospital for the birth or ask for you to wait three weeks to visit, appreciate that you are being given the privilege of seeing their child. Complaining or showing disappointment only encourages the parents to include you less.

Sincerely,

All Pregnant Women

Howdy

Where have I been? :)

Hopefully I'll be back with all kinds of insightful points about nothing. Preggo brain is always good for that! Plus I am getting back into my rearranging, reorganizing phase. Which is good since we're all living in complete CHAOS. Our house is more obstacle course than home sweet home. We need our spaces where we can breathe and create and just plain ol' exist. And everyone is forced to play along. Chore charts are coming, bwah ha ha! Lists aren't just for the mommy!

Erin's Self Help For Idiots: An Introduction

There is no standing still. If you aren't moving forward, you're falling backward.
-plagiarized from who knows where

I have made my own obstacles. I must tear them down. I got this from an article in Shape about weight loss. I will make a list (oh how I love making lists)(<--seriously, I do) of reasons why I think I cannot and another list of how to overcome them. btw, the article didn't help too much for its intended purpose. The most useful thing I got out of it was a quote from the woman who lost 102 pounds: I remind myself that I don't have to keep eating. There will be more food in a couple hours.

I did not eat from stress today either. It's too private and emotional to blog but that is truly an accomplishment for me especially this day. That is the most horrible thing I've done in my adult life. Necessary, but horrible. Moving on. As I do.

Part III deals with confronting deep rooted psychological blah blah blah . . . I don't know why I think I will fail. But I do know that's why I'm afraid to try. I don't confront anything; I usually go for pushing it down deeper and pushing something else down on top of it so it will never have to see the light of day. Which comes in right between my ears. I will however follow through instead of being irrational.

I have horrible grammar. And has anyone noticed my attention span problem? No focus. Oh wait, that's what I started to write about. My lack of focus and the rest of the world accomplishing all sorts of things I thought once upon a time I would be doing. Clarification: This isn't a pity party. It's a kick my own ass into motion party.